"NO, I was your mother before you were her girlfriend!"

"...If I had a nickel for every time I heard that."

"I bet there are a bunch of kids in trailer parks named 'Tyranny'"

"Do you want some help getting blood to your head?"

"And his sister is Jemima Khan."

"Ahh, now I want some pancakes."

"A Roy Rogers is like a Shirley Temple, but for boys."

"So, does it just have gin?"

"NO, FOR BOYS, FOR CHILDREN!"

"Oh, shit, the Senate votes for Wall Street...AND there's a dead seagull."

"I don't know what just happened to you"

"I was telling her that moving to Chicago is like when I moved to the Quad."

I wish you guys could live in my head, it's a strange place

"Yeah, apparently Rock Hudson had a premature ejaculation problem, which is SO SAD."

"you can have three minutes"

"ok, do you want me to take this off?"

hooooow much more productive would I be if I put on those sunglasses over there?

What are you doing?

I'm blowing lime-scented bubbles over the fart!

"Why is there whipped cream on a hot dog?"

"I don't want to get my baked goods from a weird robot bakery."

"...Where all the robots are porn stars."

"Oh, my button just came undone."

"I did that with my eyes."

p to the lug-it-in!

"I had a taxi driver propose to me because I had blond hair...I said no thanks."

on eating an avocado roll

"Ohmygod it's like eating butter and vegetable at the same time"

"Do you really want to have five children?"

"Yeah, five is my favorite number."

"The Mary Kay lady keeps calling me. All the time."

"I haven't even had caffeine in SO LONG."

i will zcc: her --she will be my last one.

"that can go on the blog if you want."

". . . i'm too tired"

". . . that can go on the blog too."

"Connie, you know the saddest thing about your not growing up in this country is that you didn't have Nick at Nite."

"No, but I had the chalkboard girl. Wait, I can demonstrate!"

"LOOK! I can dance like a windscreen wiper!"

"I didn't know Slice was a real person until after Thanksgiving...I thought you guys just made her up."

"This is just like yesterday, when I didn't do work because I was busy looking for a husband for Connie."

mosquitoes

"it's their end-of-the-year banquet--Tara in a boat!"

"So I was reading in People about Jersey Shore vs. Dancing with the Stars..."

"Um, do you want to write one of my finals?"

"No, I want to write mine, but I'm distracted by...tanning."

two wrongs?

if he said it and i said it then it's right!!

"Whoa. My safety just almost caused me my death. Which makes her not very safe."

"I would like you all to know that if you put 'capitalism and..." into Google, the third option is "...Jews."